Just fucking GO, will you...

Tony Blair: you can tell from his shit-eating grin that he still hasn't got the message. Let me help him: Tony, will you, please... Fuck. Off.

Via the poor, little Greek boy—who has added his customarily pithy comments—Chuckles has issued a statement about his departure. Let's have a little look, shall we?

The first thing I'd like to do is to apologise actually, on behalf of the Labour party for the last week, which, with everything that's been going on back here and in the world, has not been our finest hour, to be frank.

You can say that again, my dear chap; it has not been your finest hour but it has, frankly, been the funniest! I mean, seriously, how many more people are going to resign, eh? I was waiting for the entire Cabinet to go. I bet you're feeling a bit betrayed, aren't you? People don't seem to realise what a wonderful person you are.

Fucking diddums. Even the talentless rats that inhabit the lower echelons of your, for want of a better word, government have realised that you are not only a electoral liability, but that you are probably actively insane.

And this apology is a little desperate. It's a bit like saying to the neighbour who, even though they don't like you much, that you are very sorry that your children pulled their dog's tail and shat on the carpet, but that they are normally well-behaved. "I'm sorry, Mrs Smith; it's not their finest hour."

But I think what is important now is that we understand that it's the interests of the country that come first and we move on.

The interests of the fucking country that come first! Go fuck yourself, you meglomaniac moron. If that is so, would you like to remind us precisely what the fuck we are doing in Iraq? Why you embrace PFI, which emcompasses the worst faults of both the public and private methods of business? Why you have, throughout your Premiership, given free reign to an economic illiterate whose beliefs do not accord with those that you espoused? Why you have consistently fucked up everything that you do, even your fucking departure?

Won't you, please, in the name of all that is holy, just fucking GO!

Now, as for my timing and date of departure, I would have preferred to do this in my own way, but it has been pretty obvious from what many of my Cabinet colleagues have said earlier in the week.

Have you read this sentence through? For fuck's sake, I had to read it three times in order to grasp that it was a sentence. Yes, your departure date has been leaked and we still aren't satisfied. Why? Because we want you to go now!

The next party conference in a couple of weeks will be my last party conference as party leader.

Last as party leader? Oh, dear fuck, you are going to stay as Prime Minister though aren't you? As Guido predicted, Blair seems to be going for the Aznar option, i.e. he stays as PM and pushes his agenda, but cedes the party leadership to Brown who can campaign on his own agenda.

What a fucking train-wreck this is going to be...

The next TUC conference next week will be my last TUC, probably to the relief of both of us.

Translation: I hate the fucking union bastards and they have made my life really difficult, the extorting cunts.

But I am not going to set a precise date now. I don't think that's right.

He's going to cling on as long as he possibly can, isn't he? Oh dear god.

Also, if he does set a date, then he's fucked. His power of patronage goes right out the window and he may as well resign immediately. Oh, please, please...

I will do that at a future date and I'll do it in the interests of the country and, depending on the circumstances, of the time.

OK, well how about setting a date for setting the date? Can we at least pin you to that, you devious little shit?

Now, that doesn't in any way take away from the fact that it's my last conference, but I think the precise timetable has to be left up to me...

Why? No one wants you anymore. Just fuck off, will you?

... and has got to be done in a proper way.

What? With a massive fucking party? I'll be drinking some lovely bubbly on the day that you resign, you cunt.

Now, I'll also say one other thing after the last week.

Will it be something patronising and didactic? But of course...

I think it's important for the Labour party to understand, and I think the majority of people in the party do understand, that it's the public that comes first and it's the country that matters, and we can't treat the public as irrelevant bystanders in a subject as important as who is their prime minister.

Quite. So when you go, we'll be having an immediate General Election, will we? Because no one has voted for Brown as Prime Minister yet, nor for his mandate (since he hasn't published any sort of manifesto, we don't know what he advocates).

But, frankly, you have treated the vast majority of the public as irrelevent bystanders for some time now: lest it escaped your attention, you were elected by less than 22% of the country. In England and in sheer numbers, you actually lost to the Tories. Thus, about 78% of the country didn't think that you were suitable, but you just ploughed on regardless. You fuckwit.

So we should just bear that in mind in the way we conduct ourselves in the time to come.

Translation: please be nice to me.

And in the meantime, I think it's important that we get on with the business.

The business of what? Or are you referring to The Business?

I mean, I was at a primary school earlier.

Is that a lie?

Fantastic new buildings. Great new IT suite.

Paid for over the next 30 years and at the end of that time the buildings will still belong to the private company who built them and we will then have to negotiate another grossly expansive contract. But at least it keeps the spending off Gordo's books.

School results improving.

From absolutely cunting shit, they've managed to improve their grades to merely fucking shit. A triumph, I think that you will find. Besides, I can say what I like, as the parents, having coming out of secondaries over the last nine years, are all fucking illiterate and have no idea what a percentage point is anyway.

Plus, of course, we've made all the exams so easy that they are a total fucking joke: our universities are having to run remedial classes in English for those who have theoretically received an A in English at A Level. Too many failing exams? Simply make the exams easier.

That's the Third Way, you see.

I'm here at this school that just in the last few years has come on leaps and bounds, doing fantastically well.

Where is this school, Toni? Is it in that well-known area called Your Fucking Imagination?

We've got the blockade on the Lebanon lifted, today.

Who is "we", precisely? How much did you actually have to do with that, exactly? Was it nothing? I think that it might be.

You know, there are important things going on in the world.

There is nothing so important that you cannot just resign. Now.

Besides, we have seen that transcript from your on-mike conversation with Dubya. There are many important things going on in the world, but you are simply not important enough to have any effect on them.

And I think I speak for all my Cabinet colleagues when I say that we would prefer to get on with those things because those are the things that really matter and really matter to the country.

Really. I think what matters to your Cabinet colleagues is that they continue to draw their large salaries and get as much cash salted away in their private bank accounts before the whole thing comes crashing down.

Oh, by the way, have you seen Downfall?

So it's, as I say, it's been a somewhat difficult week but I think it's time now to move on and I think we will.

No, Toni: it's time for you to move on. Berlin is lost, you fuckwitted tit. Just go and shoot yourself, will you? Oh, and take your wife with you, for god's sake.

And I know you've got reams of questions but I don't think it's very sensible for me to go into them now.

Yes; questions like why won't you just fucking GO...? Your government is in, as Mr E put it, meltdown.

And who, finally, can blame them, self-preserving cunts though they undoubtedly are? What exactly would putting their heads above the parapet achieve, at this late stage? Who charges a fucking machine gun on Armistice Day?

The whole saga has displayed everything that is worst about this government; the preening narcissism, the self-obsession, the competing anonymous briefings, the furious, 24/7 cycle of spin and counter-spin, the use of the tabloid press to leak announcements to the nation. That it now seems to be descending into a tit-for-tat of letters, resignations ("I was going to sack you anyway, so there"), off-the-record conversations, threats and recriminations is deeply satisfying for those of us who first saw a fresh-faced young Blair back in the early 90's and thought, Jesus, that guy's a twat.

So, who's for a pint on the day of his resignation?

Oh, count me in...